Learning To Take Criticism

Today's Attempt at Growing As A Person

Today I chose to confront one of my biggest fears: being criticized... Oh boy...

I use the word "chose" because I easily could have avoided it but instead, I decided to step into a very uncomfortable area for me. And I'm happy I did!

Now, this fear is not unique to me as I don't think anyone likes being criticized. Some people do stand up better to criticism. Some just let it, "roll off of their back." Honestly, from the extremely limited perspective I have, celebrities seem to have this last tactic down! They are constantly criticized about every aspect of their lives and yet, they still go on. I envy that kind of person! Well, maybe envy is too strong of a word but I so wish I had that hard shell. Ideally, I'd like to be able to simply listen to what is said, take it for what it is worth and move on. How I wish it was that simple!

For some reason, any time I am criticized my entire body goes into defense mode as if my life is being threatened. Clearly it isn't but there we are: walls up, weapons (anger, sarcasm, fake smiles, etc.) aimed and I brace for impact. I think if I knew why I felt this way it may be easier to get past but I just don't know why!

I didn't grow up with overly critical parents. I wouldn't even classify them as critical. The only person pushing me to get better grades or be the best student was me. Sure, my parents were thrilled that I did great in school but they would have been okay with it if I did average as well, as long as I did my best. This pressure and drive comes from within. I'm incredibly grateful for it because it's what has gotten me to medical school pursuing my dreams! However, it has also caused some problems.

Allow me to give you an example. Sometime in the first couple of months of school we had our first standardized patient interview. Standardized patients (SPs) are people from the community that come to our school and pretend to be patients. Some are actors, some are students but many are retired individuals working to give back. They do a fantastic job learning their stories and we are lucky to have them :-)

Now, this adventure did not count for a grade; it was merely a jumping off point and a place to test our newly-learned skills. Our only requirement was to obtain what is called the HPI:  History of Present Illness.  Well, I went into that room, sanitized my hands like we are supposed to and sat down on the stool. I don't remember much else from the interview. I thought it went fairly well for my first one.

I stepped out of the room so my SP could evaluate me via a checklist. My experience going back in was completely different than the first time. Since SPs aren't physicians they don't evaluate us on our clinical skills but they do grade us on our communication skills ( = bedside manner). As he started to go down the checklist my heart sank lower and lower with each point. I didn't do very well at all. He told me I didn't really carry myself as a physician and I need to be more in control. I need to spend less time writing and more time making eye contact. The list goes on and on. He was polite enough about it but I felt like he had just stabbed me in the gut. I thanked him for his time and left for small group debriefing with one of our clinical faculty members.

At this point I was biting my lip fending off tears. I took a deep breath, told myself to just get through the debriefing and I can go home to cry all I want. I sat down. Our clinician looked around at the group and casually asked, "So, how did it go?" I felt the tears well up again and I prayed he didn't want to start with me. Luckily he started with the other side of the table! He had each person say how they thought it went and to comment on the feedback they got from the SP. Much to my dismay everyone did SO much better than me! Literally, every single person commented on how it went well, even though they were nervous. Blah blah blah! I knew as soon as they got to me that I'd start to lose it.

And it happened. My neighbor turned to me to signal my turn and those tears I'd been fighting back defiantly started running down my cheeks. I managed to choke out that I thought it went better than what the SP said. And then I awkwardly laughed and apologized. It was humiliating! I couldn't get the tears to stop! One of my classmates grabbed a box of tissues and the other patted me on the back. The clinician stayed very calm and we wrapped the conversation up as if nothing had happened. I started to panic a little because I was worried these classmates would run to Facebook and tell the world about "the pathetic girl who cried during discussion" but actually, everyone was incredibly kind and sympathetic. I'll never forget their consoling pats on the back.

I drove home almost in tears. Those dang tears really started rolling when Reuben greeted me at home with hug. "What's wrong??" he asked, completely caught off-guard. I suppose the whole "medical-school-crying-thing" hadn't started at this point :-P

I told him about my interview and the feedback. He assured me that it was no big deal, it wasn't graded and I would do better next time! I remember sitting on the stairs and having this thought pop into my head for the first time: I don't think I can do this. I don't think I'm cut out for this. How am I supposed to become a doctor if I start crying every time I do something wrong? Learning from your mistakes is literally one of the primary methods for learning as a physician-in-training. I'm not talking about killing people-type of mistakes, but missed questions, forgotten possible diagnoses, etc. I'm going to be critiqued ENDLESSLY over the next 165 years. How can I endure that if I'm sitting here crying over something that didn't even count?!

I was completely exasperated. Luckily, I stuck with it and my following SP interviews went MUCH better. So much better that I really wasn't all that nervous for our Clinical Skills Assessment final exam last week. I practiced a couple of fake cases with Ashley and Sarah (my study sisters) and decided to just go with it. Great idea... NOT!

I walked out of the first interview feeling great. I did not have that same feeling about the second one. I knew I was missing something big but I had drawn a huge blank in the room and couldn't think of anything else to ask. A week later when I got my score I saw my grade was significantly lower than I had expected. Crap.

Now what? Do I make an appointment with one of the clinicians to talk about what I did wrong? Do I chalk it up to allegedly "unfair grading?" Do I swallow it and move on? It was eating at me a little so I decided to make an appointment with someone to review my video. I walked into the meeting feeling extremely uncomfortable, not knowing what to expect. I was racking my brain, trying to anticipate what she would tell me. I was prepared to fight to the death to hold back tears should they threaten to make an appearance.

It was actually a wonderful experience. We talked about what I thought I may have missed. She told me what I actually missed and it turns out, my gut was actually 100% correct: I was missing a big part of the picture and my grade reflected that. It wasn't the grade I wanted but it was the grade I deserved. Having had that conversation, I know now what I need to practice more so I can improve for next time.

In short (hahaha... if you made it this long I applaud you!), it wasn't bad AT ALL! That's not to say that I won't ever get into fight-mode again when it comes to accepting criticism. In fact, when I'm in my surgery rotation and my attending is chewing me out for not knowing something I know I'll be biting that lip. But I think I made some good progress today towards my goal not being so terrified to accept criticism. It is a natural part of life and an essential part of my professional path.



Toast to baby steps!

Have you made some baby steps toward a goal in your life lately? I highly encourage it :-) You'll feel so great!

Thanks for stopping by!